Saturday, 31 July 2010

Jimmy Cribbage Maths Exam

1. Explain in your own words the difference between an isoceles triangle and an equilateral triangle.

Frp tri, snk, prokl hige !\?'# str90-poi fripple snop tpor frklep at 90 degrees.

2. Solve the following simultaneous equation:

3x + 2y = 13
5x + y = 17

Average velocity of the Earth = 29.8km per second
Weight of an average apple = 150g

therefore x = 3

if x = unknown then it follows that

x - y = x and thus -y = x - x which means -y =

this clearly demonstrates the fallacy that the Earth was bombarded by apples in its primitive years and therefore the apple genesis theory is rubbish.

3. Demonstrate Pythagoras' theorem

Howl at the moon
Howl at the moon
Drink the wine of the unborn crime
La la la laaa la ala lla alalala

Friday, 30 July 2010

Police Incident: 13796

Date of Report: 28th July 2010
Time of Report: 22:54

Date of Incident: 28th July 2010
Time of Incident: 21:30

Location of Incident: Up a tree

Nature/Details of Incident:

A man up a tree with a bucket on his head was fishing for eels. When he caught a really feisty slippery bugger he slipped and banged his head on the toilet. The toilet does not belong to the tree climing fisherman and thus we investigated whether this as a case of criminal damage. The owner of the toilet is on holiday under his basement at the moment and cannot be reached. The fisherman is in custody and is fishing for baluga whales with modest success.

Was the matter reported to the police? Yes

Name/Address of Person who Reported Incident:

Mr. Horace Wintsable-Smythe III of Morecambe

A Box on Main Street

Thursday, 29 July 2010

Recipe for Lord Smithe Stew

Take a pomengranate and remove the skin, - you can make a delicious tea from pomegranate skin
Boil the seeds and press the flesh through a spoon.
Once the seeds have boiled throw them in the bin.
Discard the flesh and mash a lemon with half a pound of pea juice.
Then use the pea juice to mash a bowl of acorns.
Put the acorns, pea juice and mashed lemon on a first class cruise around the Scilly Isles.
Put in the oven and fry for fifteen months.
Season to taste.

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Wednesday, 28 July 2010

Tuesday, 27 July 2010

The Wall

It's not that the wall was looking at me, it was the way it was looking at me. A strange sort of distrusting glare. I dare not break the gaze but it was practically impossibe. It's flies were undone. Have you ever tried staring a man in the eye whose flies were undone. I was worried that if I upset him that he would stop performing the one function that he was good for. Stopping the ceiling becoming the floor. Not being one for anthropomorphism or personification I frowned at the fact that I had referred to my wall as him. If he was a him do I treat it as a slave by calling it 'my wall?'

For some reason things had gotten complicated. How am I going too straighten this mess out. All I had was curling tongs. Curling tongs are no good for straightening things out, I needed a trouser press. eBay was no help, it seemed nobody in the world had a trouser press big enough for sorting this problem out. I guess I'll have to do it the hard way and stop confusing past tense with present. My wall is now hanging above a steaming bath waiting for the crinkles to fall out.