Sunday, 19 September 2010

Obituary: Ralph Winterton

At 11am on 15th September 2010 Ralph Winterton died of boredom after watching another news piece about the battle of Britain. Born in Toulouse to a French bramble picker he was forced into hiding during the war by his mother over concern about his dress sense. Nazi occupation was difficult for the Winterton's, money and food were in short supply but it was this austerity that formed Ralph into the man he bacame. When he left gyspy college at the age of eighteen he started a hospital for disaffected moths. Demand was high in the years which followed the war and he made a success of himself. There is a tribute to Ralph Winterton on a hill which overlooks the Auvergne valley for his work. When asked about his reasoning behind his career choice he would reply:

"What's a Butterfly without the Moth?"

This will be an epitaph on his gravestone.

In 2005 Ralph retired from humanity. Tired and weary he submitted his resignation to the United Nations and moved to an Island in the Atlantic where he lived in peace until his residence was raided and seized in a pessimism raid. He was convicted of spreading widespread dissatisfaction and melancholy over the internet. His last year was spent in a council flat in Tipperton.

Saturday, 18 September 2010

A Collection of Sayings from the Great Rabbi Schnitzel:

When the birds swim backwards thats when the fish fly upside down.

The Lord of the Rings: Where does he keep his keys?

I was interviewed by the police regarding a homicide. I told them I was on nobodys side despite my religious convictions which I had already done time for.

I saw a snake in the apple tree in my garden. Recognising the religious connotations I grabbed my shotgun. Heavy balistics would have made a big dfference to the story of genesis.

The problem with Nietschze is primarily one of pronunciation.

Thursday, 16 September 2010

Small Packets of Nothing

Hole: A hole is commonly referred to as 'something' although in actual fact it is a small packet of nothing. If we were to idealise it then the comparison to a banal something is inappropriate. It is a worm hole to a different time and place. It is through the unending procession of holes which we travel every day that we proceed consistently towards the moment of our death. We are always in a hole of one sort or another. I sit in a hole in the middle of my office during the working day. I walk through a hole in the doorway to get into my hole in my office. Thus our environment is not made up of the somethings that surround us but is in actual fact defined by the gaps between the somethings that surround us.

Wednesday, 15 September 2010

One Day Like This

In the not too distant future when my work has been done and my bones ache. I shall look out of the window at the beautiful blue sky and look back on what one has achieved. Perhaps I will see the birth of a son. The first laughter of a daughter. Will the tears rolling down my cheek be ones of happiness or regret? Is that not the question we should ask ourselves every day? Carpe diem.

Where is the humour in this you ask yourself? There is no humour in life, you have one chance to get it right. Time is precious. Savour it, get the most out of it. Put down that book by the Comte de Lautremont. Listen to me. It could be the most important thing you've ever done! This week is a triple rollover on the lottery. Take every spare penny you have and buy as many lottery tickets as possible. Remember: it could be you!

Monday, 13 September 2010

The Manifesto of Taking things Seriously

There is one very serious question left to ask. Hopefully it will be your last because once you ask it you are changed forever. The very seriousness of it leads you to a realisation of profound insight. Understanding through antithesis represents harmony and balance. This is the most stable state of mind. It is an exciting day for all of us. Every person who accepts the tenets of this manifesto makes the world a better place and weakens the power of the corrupt authorities that govern our lives through seriousness and stout determination to make things extremely serious. So, if you are ready it is time to ask the question.

"On my death bed would I be wishing that I had spent my life taking things more seriously?"

Pursuant to that - can you think of anybody in the history of (wo)man who should have taken life more seriously? Think of all the things that you enjoy in life - music, drama, literature are all created by people at play. This childishness is sometimes criticised and even called evil because on the whole it is not considered productive. Only serious things are productive. That's why the most serious people of us all are the leaders of society and considered the most productive! (Wo)Men in serious suits talking about serious things without even lifting a pen are obviously so much more productive than a man working hard in a factory. His crime? Having a break from seriousness at the weekend with his family and friends. If you cannot see the irony of this then perhaps you are overcome. A sudden intervention of extreme silliness is the only path to salvation.

It is astounding how much time we devote to the act of being earnest. We wake in the morning and joylessly prepare for work or the lack of it. The burdens of breakfast and the trials of hygiene start the day as a precursor to what is to follow when we shall get into all sorts of grave mischief. Why don't we start the day with a smile? Treat the clocking on time as something to be graciously overlooked? Spread the thought of joy to our fellow citizens. For heaven's sake would the world not be a better place if everybody was lackadaisical and whimsical? Is it so hard to see? What is this fog that clouds fundamental common sense so completely?

Now that you have had your eyes opened and you perspective re-aligned a few things become apparent:

Firstly - matters that are vital to the earnest persons heart are suddenly meaningless i.e. money, devotion to an authority that has claimed dominion over you without your consent, hatred of people you neither know or are affected by. Shake free of the shackles of religion and piety to the state. Time spent in joy with people who have abandoned seriousness is worth more than any amount of material wealth. Is there any laughter in being a passive obedient consumer?

Secondly - the term 'important' has a new meaning. The first letter of this three syllable monstrosity suddenly seems out of place. We start to replace it with the word 'umportant' because much of what we consider 'important' are actually other peoples priorities. It is important to be productive and punctual, it is important to get a bigger house or a better car, pay taxes and have children. There is no importance any more. We have escaped the ravages of nature, we have food and water and shelter why should other things replace those as fundamentally important? It is the gradation of priorities that renders things serious, if you stop taking things so seriously does the universe stop? Then why do we have to label things as 'important'?

Thirdly - There is no amount of earnestness that can overcome someone who has abandoned seriousness. How can somebody bargain against your list of priorities if your list is empty? Now that there is no thing that is 'important' there is no wager to commit with your actions. Whereas previously you have had to mitigate some loss for not fulfilling somebody else's priority. Now they have no power over you for you have torn up the social contract and rewritten it in your own terms. And why not? After all you are the paying tenant, exercise your right to free market. Take from life what you want.

Finally - The term 'my' or 'mine' is irrelevant. Ownership implies a high level of importance which you place on an object. Once the term 'mine' has been abandoned you are free to give without hindrance. Finally true freedom. Not the kind of freedom that comes with ability to operate heavy machinery via a licence but the kind of freedom that lets you be the person whom you always wanted to be. "I dare do all that may become a man; Who dares do more is none."

Live your life as you would like to live it. Be frivolous, be lighthearted and start the swing to power of reasonable people with reasonable aims. Make the world a better place. Have a lie in.

Tuesday, 31 August 2010

Thus Spake Harry Toaster

Harry entered the village and spake thusly - "I have meditated these last ten years in solitude on the mountain. It would have been really nice if someone had bought me a cup of tea or something."

The villagers were confused. This bearded and weather beaten man was a stranger to their eyes and yet he knew each of them intimately.

"A piece of toast would have done. It's actually really hard to sit and meditate all day with nothing to eat. I could be contemplating the will of the universe or something instead I am using all my power to fight off hunger pains."

And they did see the logic of what he spake but still he was not known to them. The Harry Toaster that went up the mountain ten years ago was not the same person that stood before them now.

"Has anybody got a piece of cake I could have, or maybe some fruit? I've got something really important to tell you but I do really need to eat."

The villagers gathered their surplus food and burned it so that Harry Toaster may feast on the aroma.

"You...bastards. I spend ten years up the mountain and realise ultimate knowledge which I am trying to share with you by the way and you mock me!"

And they saw that it was good.

"I'm going back up the mountain."

Saturday, 21 August 2010

Death of a Nail

I watched the hammer strike the head of the nail. The thin silver cap bent and buckled. The nail sank deeper into the wood. It was nearly done for. Only the smallest brim was above the flat of the wood now. One more strike and it would be completely submerged. The hammer raised up preparing for another blow. I thought of the fear that nail would be feeling. It is impossible to empathise with a piece of ironmongery so close to having its existence extinguished under the almighty force of a large claw hammer. But I tried. Still gravity overcame the upward thrust of the hammer and it started to fall. Gathering speed its aim was perfect. I wanted to close my eyes but I had to be there for the nail in its final moments. With a dampened thud the hammer struck. There was no scream, I wasn't even sure if the nail was still cognizant at the moment prior to the strike. Now there was no doubt. The brave little nail was no more.

As I reflected on the profligate abandonment in which we spend lives in the name of cabinet making the carpenter pulled another nail from his pouch. He placed the tip not more than an inch from the grave of the now dead nail and lined up another hammer blow.

Will it ever end?

Monday, 16 August 2010

Application for Postion Posted in The Daily Fissure

Dear Sir

I would like to apply for the position of She Who Must be Obeyed. Please find enclosed my CV. I appreciate your consideration in this matter. Should you need to contact please feel free to email me at

I feel I would be suited to this position due to the experience gained in my many roles over my career. I would give the job lots of enthusiasm and a real desire to succeed.

Kind Regards


download cv here

Sunday, 15 August 2010

The First Revelation

I opened the seventh seal and thus the first revelation was revealed to me:

"The secret is in the leaves of the sea and the wind of the flea. A subtle nothing for all to see. But how can the people see nothing?"

With that thought I understood the sound of the divine imposter laughing at the great joke that was being played on creation. What fools we were, blinded by the notion of fate. Only now do I understand with today's favourable interest rates how easy it is for me to own a Nissan Cherry. Only 149.99 Krona a month for twelve years.

I must get down to my nearest Nissan dealer today!

Thursday, 12 August 2010

Desolate and Empty The Sea

Madame Sosostris dealt me three cards:

1. The Yardstick, a measure by which we no longer measure ourselves. It represents the systematic lowering of standards.
2. The Anvil - A blacksmiths tool that is ungiving and unwavering in its purpose.
3. The Mirror - The allusion is so obvious that it needs no explaining.

What did it mean? Was it meant for me? Sure I detested the lowering of standards, the banal dross that is presented as television and film. Journalism that only had its eye on economy and sport. People who write meaningless blogs that add nothing to the oeuvre of humanity. People interesting because of the way they wear their hair not because of what they have done or what they say. I was sure this vile temptress was trying to insinuate something but I could not penetrate the imagery. Or maybe I didn't want to understand, maybe the message was clear yet devastating. I thought for a moment gave her a few pfennigs and told her to not come back. This town doesn't want those sort of people. The worst kind of people are the ones that make you look at yourself in an uncomfortable light, she needed to leave.

Tuesday, 10 August 2010

The Peruvian Tree Lurcher

Is the only aboreal canine in the world. This quirky dog lives in the canopy of the peruvian rainforest eating tree snakes and apples. They have a very short life span but are prolific reproducers. One male Tree Lurcher can have upto seven mates at any one time. The yelp of the Tree Lurcher is one of the most recognisable sounds in the rain forest, it has been described as the kind of noise 'a well tuned gorilla would make if it stuck a banana up its nose'. This haunting sound was believed to be the sound of the Great Omniplot washing his socks by the superstitious Witchutu Tribe.

Alternative Names for the Tree Lurcher:

Thudder Mut (supposedly the sound the dog makes when it hits the forest floor after dozing off in a precarious position)

Sunday, 8 August 2010

Karachi - Autumn Silence 1st Movement

The first movement in Karachi's Autumn Silence is possibly the most moving of the post-surreal works. It deals with the recurring theme of shaving without a mirror and the frustration of running out of breakfast cereal. This is probably Karachi's finest piece of work, his notoriety rocketed after this debuted at Edmonton Sundown in support of a well known rock band. Karachi's life was never the same. He quickly decended into a lifestyle of drugs, alcohol and women. He died three years later from a surfeit of sausages. It also represents a period of prolific success. The eel cycle is one of the most popular requests on classic radio stations. Running at an immense sixty-two hours it is also one of the longest pieces of music ever written.

Karachi's Autumn Silence First Movement in E Minor by the Redditch Symphony Orchestra and Horace Policarpo on the Organ:

Saturday, 7 August 2010

King Henry IX 1756-1812

King Henry IX was the first hippy king of the modern period. He lasted thirteen hours on the throne before deciding to move to the south of France and live out his remaining days planting trees. Although his reign was short lived he was the most progressive monarch ever and created an incredible three hundred thousand laws. Some of the most interesting are listed for the sake of prosperity in the Life and Times of King Henry IX a Wenton Geneological Study (currently unpublished).

The following is an extract from that study.

1. Mangos are banned except for Royal Weddings and lunar eclipses.
2. Frdplip is to be no longer recognised as a word and all evidence of its existence is to be destroyed.
3. March 15th is now a day of mystery.
4. The institution of a new masochistic past time called jogging is to be forced upon the insane and deranged.
5. August 32nd is banned.
6. Throw all the frogs into the tower and send the orphan spawn to Belgium.
7. Once a year on a Tuesday people shall eat pancakes.
8. Once a year the clocks shall be set back one hour.
9. Once a year the clocks shall be set forward one hour.
10. The number / is banned as it is ridiculous we shall now go from 9 straight to 10.

Friday, 6 August 2010

The Tuesday Syndrome

The Tuesday syndrome is an affliction that only effects reasonable and rational people. It's symptoms are a feeling of hollow horror at the endless repetition of life and normally reveals itself on Tuesday morning. It feels like the sudden realisation that you are running around in circles achieving absolutely nothing other than making some other person extremely wealthy. This is, however, a mask. You are suffering from Tuesday syndrome. Your GP can help. He will prescribe antidepressents which will keep you docile and productive. Schools are adjusting their vocational conditioning chambers to stop our future employees suffering from this problem

Thursday, 5 August 2010

The Business Meeting

What kind of horrible simulacra was this! I was locked in a business meeting about productivity performance indicators and financial forecasts. Doesn't anyone deal with reality any more? The slow monotonous drone of man shaped machines producing random numbers that expire in the ether. Each one bending the truth. Truth is like a quantum particle. Once you measure it, it is changed forever. Heisenberg was onto something.

Talking out loud during business meetings tends to draw attention to yourself. Especially inane ramblings about quantum theory. I sloped out the door hoping they wouldn't realise I was going to make a run for it. They did but I was too quick. What was I doing in a business meeting anyway?

Wednesday, 4 August 2010

Insurance Claim 151299

The Christadelphinian Insurance Company

Section 1 - Your Details

Date Claim was Filed: 04/08/2010
Date of Accident: 03/08/2010

Insurance Policy Number: IC1666667766522927

Was there a third party involved: Yes
if yes please complete details in section 3

Section 2 - The Claim

What is the nature of your claim? Soul possessed by Demon

Please give us any details that you feel is pertinent to the claim below:

Vomited in young priests face and spoke ancient Latin before feasting on moth wings. Levitated before inexplcably playing bee gee records backwards. Ran naked up the street shouting 'I will eat your soul' before being apprehended by two policeman who I nailed to a cross. I then collected all the frogs (1154) from the pond and created a massive frog scultpure of the post office. Discovered the secret to time travel and told it to deaf and dumb clown from Bulgaria. Booked a plumber for Sunday morning

Do you have a police incident number? Several

What is the Value of your Claim and what was it for? £299.99 Exorcism.

Can you provide evidence such as receipts that this was the genuine cost of remedial action?Yes
Please enclosed evidence, copies will not be accepted.

Section 3

Name of Third Party: Lucifer
Address: Hell
Telephone No.: n/a

Monday, 2 August 2010

A Sad and Lonely Beast

It is a tormented creature, shrouded by its own sense of inadequacy. A gruesome appearance: great yellow and brown teeth, a slobering tongue too big for its mouth, slimy effluence discharging from every aperture not blocked by crusty snot or well set puss. It has a thin neck that is on the verge of snapping from the weight of its bulbous head that rolls around on its hairy breast. The skin covered in infected boils and pox is enough to make you heave.

Feeding time for this monster consists of Yorkie Bars by the crate and Red Bull by the gallon. It is morbidly obese and thus is in the judgement area of the shiny bbc news presenters. With their sparkling teeth laced with diamonds and their carefully constructed point of view. Their every vitriolic scream and damning homily meant to change the creature into what they perceive as normal and acceptable.

This monster has a destiny. For my money it will be the end of us all.

David Cameron the Whore Sucking Weasle is Dead - 02/08/2036

Regurgitated from the belly of a poisoned swine at birth into this world he was surrounded by pristine silver spoons and maids with Rohypnol eyes doing his every bidding at the moment of asking. A man who was a product of his upbringing in every sense. A man who has since found his way to hell to discover that not much has changed in his personal circumstance. He dines with the same kind of people. Eats the same kind of food and watches the general suffering of the poor souls around him like he was walking through a museum of torment and misery of which one day he hopes to be the curator. This man is dead. I hope it was painful. Nobody shed a tear at the funeral but had they been moved to sadness they would wipe their eyes with the dirty money he had taken out of our pocket and put into theirs. The world should rejoice. One gutless crook is dead, another ten wait in line to take his place.

We are a generation without hope. All the cracks of sunlight that countless generations forced open have been filled. Now there is only darkness. But there is one thing to consider. The bastards do eventually die.

Sunday, 1 August 2010

Shopping Receipt Love Story

Welcome to Fresco Superstores
Thankyou for your custom today
18/03/2010 17:53

Merlot Red Wine - 1 bottle 2.38ea
Fresh Torteloni - 1 kg 1.32ea
Fresh Tmt & Bsl Sce - 1 jar 0.99ea
DVD Sleepless in Seattle - 1 4.99ea
DVD Big Trouble in Little - 1 4.99ea
12xSuprsfe Cndms(Med) - 1 bx 9.99ea
Aromatic Candle - 1 1.50ea
Aromatic Candle - 1 1.50ea
Aromatic Candle - 1 1.50ea
Total 29.16

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Welcome to Fresco Superstores
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19/03/2010 08:53

Fresh croissants - 1 1.50ea
Fresh croissants - 1 1.50ea
Fresh croissants - 1 1.50ea
Fresh croissants - 1 1.50ea
Spring Fresh Flowers = 1 bnch 4.99ea
RETURN: DVD Slplss in Sttl -1 -4.99ea
Total 6.00

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19/03/2010 08:53

12xSuprsfe Cndms(Smll) - 1 bx 9.99ea
Cheese & Tomato Pizza - 1 5.99ea
Total 15.98

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21/03/2010 13:29

12xParacetomol - 1 bx 1.38ea
Total 1.38

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21/03/2010 17:49

Famous Moorhen Whiskey - 1 btl 6.99ea
Total 6.99

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21/04/2010 17:15

BOOK: Fatherhood for Idiots - 1 8.99ea
Famous Moorhen Whiskey - 1 btl 6.99ea
Total 15.98

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21/05/2010 03:15

Gherkins - 1 Jar 0.99ea
Strawberry Ice Cream - 1ltr 2.99ea
Dandelion Burdock - 2ltr 0.84ea
Total 4.82

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21/05/2010 18:45

Book: So you want to die. - 1 4.99ea
20 Mayborough Light Cig - 1 5.86ea
Total 10.85

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21/05/2010 18:45

20 Mayborough Cig - 2 5.86ea
Book: The Budget Wedding - 1 2.99ea
Total 14.71

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22/05/2010 09:30

RETURN: The Budget Wedding - 1 -2.99ea
Total -2.99

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26/08/2010 10:30

BOOK: So you want to be a Eunuch - 1 3.99ea
Total 3.99

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28/11/2010 10:30

Cigar (Large) - 4 3.99ea
Total 7.99

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09/12/2010 15:27

Grapes - 1 bunch 2.49ea
Slippers(Small) - 1 pair 4.99ea
MAGAZINE: Womens Monthly - 1 2.99ea
MAGAZINE: Womens Weekly - 1 0.99ea
MAGAZINE: Womens Women - 1 0.99ea
MAGAZINE: Womens Men - 1 0.99ea
MAGAZINE: Womens Garden - 1 3.99ea
Bread (Loaf) - 1 0.85ea
Beans (Tin) - 4 0.54ea
Total 20.44

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13/12/2010 15:55

Beans (Tin) - 4 0.54ea
Bread (Loaf) - 1 0.85ea
Total 3.01

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17/12/2010 17:55

Beans (Tin) - 4 0.54ea
Bread (Loaf) - 1 0.85ea
Total 3.01

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26/12/2010 17:55

Champagne - 1 bottle 34.96ea
Nappiesx24 - 1 9.99ea
24xSuperSafe Xtra Cndms - 1 bx 9.99ea
Total 44.95

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Saturday, 31 July 2010

Jimmy Cribbage Maths Exam

1. Explain in your own words the difference between an isoceles triangle and an equilateral triangle.

Frp tri, snk, prokl hige !\?'# str90-poi fripple snop tpor frklep at 90 degrees.

2. Solve the following simultaneous equation:

3x + 2y = 13
5x + y = 17

Average velocity of the Earth = 29.8km per second
Weight of an average apple = 150g

therefore x = 3

if x = unknown then it follows that

x - y = x and thus -y = x - x which means -y =

this clearly demonstrates the fallacy that the Earth was bombarded by apples in its primitive years and therefore the apple genesis theory is rubbish.

3. Demonstrate Pythagoras' theorem

Howl at the moon
Howl at the moon
Drink the wine of the unborn crime
La la la laaa la ala lla alalala

Friday, 30 July 2010

Police Incident: 13796

Date of Report: 28th July 2010
Time of Report: 22:54

Date of Incident: 28th July 2010
Time of Incident: 21:30

Location of Incident: Up a tree

Nature/Details of Incident:

A man up a tree with a bucket on his head was fishing for eels. When he caught a really feisty slippery bugger he slipped and banged his head on the toilet. The toilet does not belong to the tree climing fisherman and thus we investigated whether this as a case of criminal damage. The owner of the toilet is on holiday under his basement at the moment and cannot be reached. The fisherman is in custody and is fishing for baluga whales with modest success.

Was the matter reported to the police? Yes

Name/Address of Person who Reported Incident:

Mr. Horace Wintsable-Smythe III of Morecambe

A Box on Main Street

Thursday, 29 July 2010

Recipe for Lord Smithe Stew

Take a pomengranate and remove the skin, - you can make a delicious tea from pomegranate skin
Boil the seeds and press the flesh through a spoon.
Once the seeds have boiled throw them in the bin.
Discard the flesh and mash a lemon with half a pound of pea juice.
Then use the pea juice to mash a bowl of acorns.
Put the acorns, pea juice and mashed lemon on a first class cruise around the Scilly Isles.
Put in the oven and fry for fifteen months.
Season to taste.

Ha ha ha ha haha hahahahahaha ha ha ha hhahhhahahahahah haha ha ha ha hhaaahahahh ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hahahahaha ha aha aha aha ahahahahaha a aha ahahahahaha aha aha ahhahahahahahahahah h ha ha haha ha ha ha ha haha ha ha ha haha ha hahaha ha ha hahahahahahahahaha h aha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haha ha ha haha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Wednesday, 28 July 2010

Tuesday, 27 July 2010

The Wall

It's not that the wall was looking at me, it was the way it was looking at me. A strange sort of distrusting glare. I dare not break the gaze but it was practically impossibe. It's flies were undone. Have you ever tried staring a man in the eye whose flies were undone. I was worried that if I upset him that he would stop performing the one function that he was good for. Stopping the ceiling becoming the floor. Not being one for anthropomorphism or personification I frowned at the fact that I had referred to my wall as him. If he was a him do I treat it as a slave by calling it 'my wall?'

For some reason things had gotten complicated. How am I going too straighten this mess out. All I had was curling tongs. Curling tongs are no good for straightening things out, I needed a trouser press. eBay was no help, it seemed nobody in the world had a trouser press big enough for sorting this problem out. I guess I'll have to do it the hard way and stop confusing past tense with present. My wall is now hanging above a steaming bath waiting for the crinkles to fall out.