Harry entered the village and spake thusly - "I have meditated these last ten years in solitude on the mountain. It would have been really nice if someone had bought me a cup of tea or something."
The villagers were confused. This bearded and weather beaten man was a stranger to their eyes and yet he knew each of them intimately.
"A piece of toast would have done. It's actually really hard to sit and meditate all day with nothing to eat. I could be contemplating the will of the universe or something instead I am using all my power to fight off hunger pains."
And they did see the logic of what he spake but still he was not known to them. The Harry Toaster that went up the mountain ten years ago was not the same person that stood before them now.
"Has anybody got a piece of cake I could have, or maybe some fruit? I've got something really important to tell you but I do really need to eat."
The villagers gathered their surplus food and burned it so that Harry Toaster may feast on the aroma.
"You...bastards. I spend ten years up the mountain and realise ultimate knowledge which I am trying to share with you by the way and you mock me!"
And they saw that it was good.
"I'm going back up the mountain."
Tuesday, 31 August 2010
Saturday, 21 August 2010
Death of a Nail
I watched the hammer strike the head of the nail. The thin silver cap bent and buckled. The nail sank deeper into the wood. It was nearly done for. Only the smallest brim was above the flat of the wood now. One more strike and it would be completely submerged. The hammer raised up preparing for another blow. I thought of the fear that nail would be feeling. It is impossible to empathise with a piece of ironmongery so close to having its existence extinguished under the almighty force of a large claw hammer. But I tried. Still gravity overcame the upward thrust of the hammer and it started to fall. Gathering speed its aim was perfect. I wanted to close my eyes but I had to be there for the nail in its final moments. With a dampened thud the hammer struck. There was no scream, I wasn't even sure if the nail was still cognizant at the moment prior to the strike. Now there was no doubt. The brave little nail was no more.
As I reflected on the profligate abandonment in which we spend lives in the name of cabinet making the carpenter pulled another nail from his pouch. He placed the tip not more than an inch from the grave of the now dead nail and lined up another hammer blow.
Will it ever end?
As I reflected on the profligate abandonment in which we spend lives in the name of cabinet making the carpenter pulled another nail from his pouch. He placed the tip not more than an inch from the grave of the now dead nail and lined up another hammer blow.
Will it ever end?
Monday, 16 August 2010
Application for Postion Posted in The Daily Fissure
Dear Sir
I would like to apply for the position of She Who Must be Obeyed. Please find enclosed my CV. I appreciate your consideration in this matter. Should you need to contact please feel free to email me at bp@wenton.co.uk.
I feel I would be suited to this position due to the experience gained in my many roles over my career. I would give the job lots of enthusiasm and a real desire to succeed.
Kind Regards
Brian
download cv here
I would like to apply for the position of She Who Must be Obeyed. Please find enclosed my CV. I appreciate your consideration in this matter. Should you need to contact please feel free to email me at bp@wenton.co.uk.
I feel I would be suited to this position due to the experience gained in my many roles over my career. I would give the job lots of enthusiasm and a real desire to succeed.
Kind Regards
Brian
download cv here
Sunday, 15 August 2010
The First Revelation
I opened the seventh seal and thus the first revelation was revealed to me:
"The secret is in the leaves of the sea and the wind of the flea. A subtle nothing for all to see. But how can the people see nothing?"
With that thought I understood the sound of the divine imposter laughing at the great joke that was being played on creation. What fools we were, blinded by the notion of fate. Only now do I understand with today's favourable interest rates how easy it is for me to own a Nissan Cherry. Only 149.99 Krona a month for twelve years.
I must get down to my nearest Nissan dealer today!
"The secret is in the leaves of the sea and the wind of the flea. A subtle nothing for all to see. But how can the people see nothing?"
With that thought I understood the sound of the divine imposter laughing at the great joke that was being played on creation. What fools we were, blinded by the notion of fate. Only now do I understand with today's favourable interest rates how easy it is for me to own a Nissan Cherry. Only 149.99 Krona a month for twelve years.
I must get down to my nearest Nissan dealer today!
Thursday, 12 August 2010
Desolate and Empty The Sea
Madame Sosostris dealt me three cards:
1. The Yardstick, a measure by which we no longer measure ourselves. It represents the systematic lowering of standards.
2. The Anvil - A blacksmiths tool that is ungiving and unwavering in its purpose.
3. The Mirror - The allusion is so obvious that it needs no explaining.
What did it mean? Was it meant for me? Sure I detested the lowering of standards, the banal dross that is presented as television and film. Journalism that only had its eye on economy and sport. People who write meaningless blogs that add nothing to the oeuvre of humanity. People interesting because of the way they wear their hair not because of what they have done or what they say. I was sure this vile temptress was trying to insinuate something but I could not penetrate the imagery. Or maybe I didn't want to understand, maybe the message was clear yet devastating. I thought for a moment gave her a few pfennigs and told her to not come back. This town doesn't want those sort of people. The worst kind of people are the ones that make you look at yourself in an uncomfortable light, she needed to leave.
1. The Yardstick, a measure by which we no longer measure ourselves. It represents the systematic lowering of standards.
2. The Anvil - A blacksmiths tool that is ungiving and unwavering in its purpose.
3. The Mirror - The allusion is so obvious that it needs no explaining.
What did it mean? Was it meant for me? Sure I detested the lowering of standards, the banal dross that is presented as television and film. Journalism that only had its eye on economy and sport. People who write meaningless blogs that add nothing to the oeuvre of humanity. People interesting because of the way they wear their hair not because of what they have done or what they say. I was sure this vile temptress was trying to insinuate something but I could not penetrate the imagery. Or maybe I didn't want to understand, maybe the message was clear yet devastating. I thought for a moment gave her a few pfennigs and told her to not come back. This town doesn't want those sort of people. The worst kind of people are the ones that make you look at yourself in an uncomfortable light, she needed to leave.
Tuesday, 10 August 2010
The Peruvian Tree Lurcher
Is the only aboreal canine in the world. This quirky dog lives in the canopy of the peruvian rainforest eating tree snakes and apples. They have a very short life span but are prolific reproducers. One male Tree Lurcher can have upto seven mates at any one time. The yelp of the Tree Lurcher is one of the most recognisable sounds in the rain forest, it has been described as the kind of noise 'a well tuned gorilla would make if it stuck a banana up its nose'. This haunting sound was believed to be the sound of the Great Omniplot washing his socks by the superstitious Witchutu Tribe.
Alternative Names for the Tree Lurcher:
Thudder Mut (supposedly the sound the dog makes when it hits the forest floor after dozing off in a precarious position)
Alternative Names for the Tree Lurcher:
Thudder Mut (supposedly the sound the dog makes when it hits the forest floor after dozing off in a precarious position)
Sunday, 8 August 2010
Karachi - Autumn Silence 1st Movement
The first movement in Karachi's Autumn Silence is possibly the most moving of the post-surreal works. It deals with the recurring theme of shaving without a mirror and the frustration of running out of breakfast cereal. This is probably Karachi's finest piece of work, his notoriety rocketed after this debuted at Edmonton Sundown in support of a well known rock band. Karachi's life was never the same. He quickly decended into a lifestyle of drugs, alcohol and women. He died three years later from a surfeit of sausages. It also represents a period of prolific success. The eel cycle is one of the most popular requests on classic radio stations. Running at an immense sixty-two hours it is also one of the longest pieces of music ever written.
Karachi's Autumn Silence First Movement in E Minor by the Redditch Symphony Orchestra and Horace Policarpo on the Organ:
Karachi's Autumn Silence First Movement in E Minor by the Redditch Symphony Orchestra and Horace Policarpo on the Organ:
Saturday, 7 August 2010
King Henry IX 1756-1812
King Henry IX was the first hippy king of the modern period. He lasted thirteen hours on the throne before deciding to move to the south of France and live out his remaining days planting trees. Although his reign was short lived he was the most progressive monarch ever and created an incredible three hundred thousand laws. Some of the most interesting are listed for the sake of prosperity in the Life and Times of King Henry IX a Wenton Geneological Study (currently unpublished).
The following is an extract from that study.
1. Mangos are banned except for Royal Weddings and lunar eclipses.
2. Frdplip is to be no longer recognised as a word and all evidence of its existence is to be destroyed.
3. March 15th is now a day of mystery.
4. The institution of a new masochistic past time called jogging is to be forced upon the insane and deranged.
5. August 32nd is banned.
6. Throw all the frogs into the tower and send the orphan spawn to Belgium.
7. Once a year on a Tuesday people shall eat pancakes.
8. Once a year the clocks shall be set back one hour.
9. Once a year the clocks shall be set forward one hour.
10. The number / is banned as it is ridiculous we shall now go from 9 straight to 10.
The following is an extract from that study.
1. Mangos are banned except for Royal Weddings and lunar eclipses.
2. Frdplip is to be no longer recognised as a word and all evidence of its existence is to be destroyed.
3. March 15th is now a day of mystery.
4. The institution of a new masochistic past time called jogging is to be forced upon the insane and deranged.
5. August 32nd is banned.
6. Throw all the frogs into the tower and send the orphan spawn to Belgium.
7. Once a year on a Tuesday people shall eat pancakes.
8. Once a year the clocks shall be set back one hour.
9. Once a year the clocks shall be set forward one hour.
10. The number / is banned as it is ridiculous we shall now go from 9 straight to 10.
Friday, 6 August 2010
The Tuesday Syndrome
The Tuesday syndrome is an affliction that only effects reasonable and rational people. It's symptoms are a feeling of hollow horror at the endless repetition of life and normally reveals itself on Tuesday morning. It feels like the sudden realisation that you are running around in circles achieving absolutely nothing other than making some other person extremely wealthy. This is, however, a mask. You are suffering from Tuesday syndrome. Your GP can help. He will prescribe antidepressents which will keep you docile and productive. Schools are adjusting their vocational conditioning chambers to stop our future employees suffering from this problem
Thursday, 5 August 2010
The Business Meeting
What kind of horrible simulacra was this! I was locked in a business meeting about productivity performance indicators and financial forecasts. Doesn't anyone deal with reality any more? The slow monotonous drone of man shaped machines producing random numbers that expire in the ether. Each one bending the truth. Truth is like a quantum particle. Once you measure it, it is changed forever. Heisenberg was onto something.
Talking out loud during business meetings tends to draw attention to yourself. Especially inane ramblings about quantum theory. I sloped out the door hoping they wouldn't realise I was going to make a run for it. They did but I was too quick. What was I doing in a business meeting anyway?
Talking out loud during business meetings tends to draw attention to yourself. Especially inane ramblings about quantum theory. I sloped out the door hoping they wouldn't realise I was going to make a run for it. They did but I was too quick. What was I doing in a business meeting anyway?
Wednesday, 4 August 2010
Insurance Claim 151299
The Christadelphinian Insurance Company
Section 1 - Your Details
Date Claim was Filed: 04/08/2010
Date of Accident: 03/08/2010
Insurance Policy Number: IC1666667766522927
Was there a third party involved: Yes
if yes please complete details in section 3
Section 2 - The Claim
What is the nature of your claim? Soul possessed by Demon
Please give us any details that you feel is pertinent to the claim below:
Vomited in young priests face and spoke ancient Latin before feasting on moth wings. Levitated before inexplcably playing bee gee records backwards. Ran naked up the street shouting 'I will eat your soul' before being apprehended by two policeman who I nailed to a cross. I then collected all the frogs (1154) from the pond and created a massive frog scultpure of the post office. Discovered the secret to time travel and told it to deaf and dumb clown from Bulgaria. Booked a plumber for Sunday morning
Do you have a police incident number? Several
What is the Value of your Claim and what was it for? £299.99 Exorcism.
Can you provide evidence such as receipts that this was the genuine cost of remedial action?Yes
Please enclosed evidence, copies will not be accepted.
Section 3
Name of Third Party: Lucifer
Address: Hell
Telephone No.: n/a
Section 1 - Your Details
Date Claim was Filed: 04/08/2010
Date of Accident: 03/08/2010
Insurance Policy Number: IC1666667766522927
Was there a third party involved: Yes
if yes please complete details in section 3
Section 2 - The Claim
What is the nature of your claim? Soul possessed by Demon
Please give us any details that you feel is pertinent to the claim below:
Vomited in young priests face and spoke ancient Latin before feasting on moth wings. Levitated before inexplcably playing bee gee records backwards. Ran naked up the street shouting 'I will eat your soul' before being apprehended by two policeman who I nailed to a cross. I then collected all the frogs (1154) from the pond and created a massive frog scultpure of the post office. Discovered the secret to time travel and told it to deaf and dumb clown from Bulgaria. Booked a plumber for Sunday morning
Do you have a police incident number? Several
What is the Value of your Claim and what was it for? £299.99 Exorcism.
Can you provide evidence such as receipts that this was the genuine cost of remedial action?Yes
Please enclosed evidence, copies will not be accepted.
Section 3
Name of Third Party: Lucifer
Address: Hell
Telephone No.: n/a
Monday, 2 August 2010
A Sad and Lonely Beast
It is a tormented creature, shrouded by its own sense of inadequacy. A gruesome appearance: great yellow and brown teeth, a slobering tongue too big for its mouth, slimy effluence discharging from every aperture not blocked by crusty snot or well set puss. It has a thin neck that is on the verge of snapping from the weight of its bulbous head that rolls around on its hairy breast. The skin covered in infected boils and pox is enough to make you heave.
Feeding time for this monster consists of Yorkie Bars by the crate and Red Bull by the gallon. It is morbidly obese and thus is in the judgement area of the shiny bbc news presenters. With their sparkling teeth laced with diamonds and their carefully constructed point of view. Their every vitriolic scream and damning homily meant to change the creature into what they perceive as normal and acceptable.
This monster has a destiny. For my money it will be the end of us all.
Feeding time for this monster consists of Yorkie Bars by the crate and Red Bull by the gallon. It is morbidly obese and thus is in the judgement area of the shiny bbc news presenters. With their sparkling teeth laced with diamonds and their carefully constructed point of view. Their every vitriolic scream and damning homily meant to change the creature into what they perceive as normal and acceptable.
This monster has a destiny. For my money it will be the end of us all.
David Cameron the Whore Sucking Weasle is Dead - 02/08/2036
Regurgitated from the belly of a poisoned swine at birth into this world he was surrounded by pristine silver spoons and maids with Rohypnol eyes doing his every bidding at the moment of asking. A man who was a product of his upbringing in every sense. A man who has since found his way to hell to discover that not much has changed in his personal circumstance. He dines with the same kind of people. Eats the same kind of food and watches the general suffering of the poor souls around him like he was walking through a museum of torment and misery of which one day he hopes to be the curator. This man is dead. I hope it was painful. Nobody shed a tear at the funeral but had they been moved to sadness they would wipe their eyes with the dirty money he had taken out of our pocket and put into theirs. The world should rejoice. One gutless crook is dead, another ten wait in line to take his place.
We are a generation without hope. All the cracks of sunlight that countless generations forced open have been filled. Now there is only darkness. But there is one thing to consider. The bastards do eventually die.
We are a generation without hope. All the cracks of sunlight that countless generations forced open have been filled. Now there is only darkness. But there is one thing to consider. The bastards do eventually die.
Sunday, 1 August 2010
Shopping Receipt Love Story
Welcome to Fresco Superstores
Thankyou for your custom today
18/03/2010 17:53
Merlot Red Wine - 1 bottle 2.38ea
Fresh Torteloni - 1 kg 1.32ea
Fresh Tmt & Bsl Sce - 1 jar 0.99ea
DVD Sleepless in Seattle - 1 4.99ea
DVD Big Trouble in Little - 1 4.99ea
12xSuprsfe Cndms(Med) - 1 bx 9.99ea
Aromatic Candle - 1 1.50ea
Aromatic Candle - 1 1.50ea
Aromatic Candle - 1 1.50ea
Total 29.16
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Welcome to Fresco Superstores
Thankyou for your custom today
19/03/2010 08:53
Fresh croissants - 1 1.50ea
Fresh croissants - 1 1.50ea
Fresh croissants - 1 1.50ea
Fresh croissants - 1 1.50ea
Spring Fresh Flowers = 1 bnch 4.99ea
RETURN: DVD Slplss in Sttl -1 -4.99ea
Total 6.00
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Welcome to Fresco Superstores
Thankyou for your custom today
19/03/2010 08:53
12xSuprsfe Cndms(Smll) - 1 bx 9.99ea
Cheese & Tomato Pizza - 1 5.99ea
Total 15.98
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Welcome to Fresco Superstores
Thankyou for your custom today
21/03/2010 13:29
12xParacetomol - 1 bx 1.38ea
Total 1.38
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Welcome to Fresco Superstores
Thankyou for your custom today
21/03/2010 17:49
Famous Moorhen Whiskey - 1 btl 6.99ea
Total 6.99
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Welcome to Fresco Superstores
Thankyou for your custom today
21/04/2010 17:15
BOOK: Fatherhood for Idiots - 1 8.99ea
Famous Moorhen Whiskey - 1 btl 6.99ea
Total 15.98
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Welcome to Fresco Superstores
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21/05/2010 03:15
Gherkins - 1 Jar 0.99ea
Strawberry Ice Cream - 1ltr 2.99ea
Dandelion Burdock - 2ltr 0.84ea
Total 4.82
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21/05/2010 18:45
Book: So you want to die. - 1 4.99ea
20 Mayborough Light Cig - 1 5.86ea
Total 10.85
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21/05/2010 18:45
20 Mayborough Cig - 2 5.86ea
Book: The Budget Wedding - 1 2.99ea
Total 14.71
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Welcome to Fresco Superstores
Thankyou for your custom today
22/05/2010 09:30
RETURN: The Budget Wedding - 1 -2.99ea
Total -2.99
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Welcome to Fresco Superstores
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26/08/2010 10:30
BOOK: So you want to be a Eunuch - 1 3.99ea
Total 3.99
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Welcome to Fresco Superstores
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28/11/2010 10:30
Cigar (Large) - 4 3.99ea
Total 7.99
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09/12/2010 15:27
Grapes - 1 bunch 2.49ea
Slippers(Small) - 1 pair 4.99ea
MAGAZINE: Womens Monthly - 1 2.99ea
MAGAZINE: Womens Weekly - 1 0.99ea
MAGAZINE: Womens Women - 1 0.99ea
MAGAZINE: Womens Men - 1 0.99ea
MAGAZINE: Womens Garden - 1 3.99ea
Bread (Loaf) - 1 0.85ea
Beans (Tin) - 4 0.54ea
Total 20.44
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13/12/2010 15:55
Beans (Tin) - 4 0.54ea
Bread (Loaf) - 1 0.85ea
Total 3.01
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Welcome to Fresco Superstores
Thankyou for your custom today
17/12/2010 17:55
Beans (Tin) - 4 0.54ea
Bread (Loaf) - 1 0.85ea
Total 3.01
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Welcome to Fresco Superstores
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26/12/2010 17:55
Champagne - 1 bottle 34.96ea
Nappiesx24 - 1 9.99ea
24xSuperSafe Xtra Cndms - 1 bx 9.99ea
Total 44.95
Come back soon
**************************************
Thankyou for your custom today
18/03/2010 17:53
Merlot Red Wine - 1 bottle 2.38ea
Fresh Torteloni - 1 kg 1.32ea
Fresh Tmt & Bsl Sce - 1 jar 0.99ea
DVD Sleepless in Seattle - 1 4.99ea
DVD Big Trouble in Little - 1 4.99ea
12xSuprsfe Cndms(Med) - 1 bx 9.99ea
Aromatic Candle - 1 1.50ea
Aromatic Candle - 1 1.50ea
Aromatic Candle - 1 1.50ea
Total 29.16
Come back soon
**************************************
Welcome to Fresco Superstores
Thankyou for your custom today
19/03/2010 08:53
Fresh croissants - 1 1.50ea
Fresh croissants - 1 1.50ea
Fresh croissants - 1 1.50ea
Fresh croissants - 1 1.50ea
Spring Fresh Flowers = 1 bnch 4.99ea
RETURN: DVD Slplss in Sttl -1 -4.99ea
Total 6.00
Come back soon
**************************************
Welcome to Fresco Superstores
Thankyou for your custom today
19/03/2010 08:53
12xSuprsfe Cndms(Smll) - 1 bx 9.99ea
Cheese & Tomato Pizza - 1 5.99ea
Total 15.98
Come back soon
**************************************
Welcome to Fresco Superstores
Thankyou for your custom today
21/03/2010 13:29
12xParacetomol - 1 bx 1.38ea
Total 1.38
Come back soon
**************************************
Welcome to Fresco Superstores
Thankyou for your custom today
21/03/2010 17:49
Famous Moorhen Whiskey - 1 btl 6.99ea
Total 6.99
Come back soon
**************************************
Welcome to Fresco Superstores
Thankyou for your custom today
21/04/2010 17:15
BOOK: Fatherhood for Idiots - 1 8.99ea
Famous Moorhen Whiskey - 1 btl 6.99ea
Total 15.98
Come back soon
**************************************
Welcome to Fresco Superstores
Thankyou for your custom today
21/05/2010 03:15
Gherkins - 1 Jar 0.99ea
Strawberry Ice Cream - 1ltr 2.99ea
Dandelion Burdock - 2ltr 0.84ea
Total 4.82
Come back soon
**************************************
Welcome to Fresco Superstores
Thankyou for your custom today
21/05/2010 18:45
Book: So you want to die. - 1 4.99ea
20 Mayborough Light Cig - 1 5.86ea
Total 10.85
Come back soon
**************************************
Welcome to Fresco Superstores
Thankyou for your custom today
21/05/2010 18:45
20 Mayborough Cig - 2 5.86ea
Book: The Budget Wedding - 1 2.99ea
Total 14.71
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**************************************
Welcome to Fresco Superstores
Thankyou for your custom today
22/05/2010 09:30
RETURN: The Budget Wedding - 1 -2.99ea
Total -2.99
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Welcome to Fresco Superstores
Thankyou for your custom today
26/08/2010 10:30
BOOK: So you want to be a Eunuch - 1 3.99ea
Total 3.99
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**************************************
Welcome to Fresco Superstores
Thankyou for your custom today
28/11/2010 10:30
Cigar (Large) - 4 3.99ea
Total 7.99
Come back soon
**************************************
Welcome to Fresco Superstores
Thankyou for your custom today
09/12/2010 15:27
Grapes - 1 bunch 2.49ea
Slippers(Small) - 1 pair 4.99ea
MAGAZINE: Womens Monthly - 1 2.99ea
MAGAZINE: Womens Weekly - 1 0.99ea
MAGAZINE: Womens Women - 1 0.99ea
MAGAZINE: Womens Men - 1 0.99ea
MAGAZINE: Womens Garden - 1 3.99ea
Bread (Loaf) - 1 0.85ea
Beans (Tin) - 4 0.54ea
Total 20.44
Come back soon
**************************************
Welcome to Fresco Superstores
Thankyou for your custom today
13/12/2010 15:55
Beans (Tin) - 4 0.54ea
Bread (Loaf) - 1 0.85ea
Total 3.01
Come back soon
**************************************
Welcome to Fresco Superstores
Thankyou for your custom today
17/12/2010 17:55
Beans (Tin) - 4 0.54ea
Bread (Loaf) - 1 0.85ea
Total 3.01
Come back soon
**************************************
Welcome to Fresco Superstores
Thankyou for your custom today
26/12/2010 17:55
Champagne - 1 bottle 34.96ea
Nappiesx24 - 1 9.99ea
24xSuperSafe Xtra Cndms - 1 bx 9.99ea
Total 44.95
Come back soon
**************************************
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