Application for Postion Posted in The Daily Fissure

Dear Sir

I would like to apply for the position of She Who Must be Obeyed. Please find enclosed my CV. I appreciate your consideration in this matter. Should you need to contact please feel free to email me at bp@wenton.co.uk.

I feel I would be suited to this position due to the experience gained in my many roles over my career. I would give the job lots of enthusiasm and a real desire to succeed.

Kind Regards

Brian

download cv here

The First Revelation

I opened the seventh seal and thus the first revelation was revealed to me:

"The secret is in the leaves of the sea and the wind of the flea. A subtle nothing for all to see. But how can the people see nothing?"

With that thought I understood the sound of the divine imposter laughing at the great joke that was being played on creation. What fools we were, blinded by the notion of fate. Only now do I understand with today's favourable interest rates how easy it is for me to own a Nissan Cherry. Only 149.99 Krona a month for twelve years.

I must get down to my nearest Nissan dealer today!

Desolate and Empty The Sea

Madame Sosostris dealt me three cards:

1. The Yardstick, a measure by which we no longer measure ourselves. It represents the systematic lowering of standards.
2. The Anvil - A blacksmiths tool that is ungiving and unwavering in its purpose.
3. The Mirror - The allusion is so obvious that it needs no explaining.

What did it mean? Was it meant for me? Sure I detested the lowering of standards, the banal dross that is presented as television and film. Journalism that only had its eye on economy and sport. People who write meaningless blogs that add nothing to the oeuvre of humanity. People interesting because of the way they wear their hair not because of what they have done or what they say. I was sure this vile temptress was trying to insinuate something but I could not penetrate the imagery. Or maybe I didn't want to understand, maybe the message was clear yet devastating. I thought for a moment gave her a few pfennigs and told her to not come back. This town doesn't want those sort of people. The worst kind of people are the ones that make you look at yourself in an uncomfortable light, she needed to leave.

The Peruvian Tree Lurcher

Is the only aboreal canine in the world. This quirky dog lives in the canopy of the peruvian rainforest eating tree snakes and apples. They have a very short life span but are prolific reproducers. One male Tree Lurcher can have upto seven mates at any one time. The yelp of the Tree Lurcher is one of the most recognisable sounds in the rain forest, it has been described as the kind of noise 'a well tuned gorilla would make if it stuck a banana up its nose'. This haunting sound was believed to be the sound of the Great Omniplot washing his socks by the superstitious Witchutu Tribe.

Alternative Names for the Tree Lurcher:

Thudder Mut (supposedly the sound the dog makes when it hits the forest floor after dozing off in a precarious position)

Karachi - Autumn Silence 1st Movement

The first movement in Karachi's Autumn Silence is possibly the most moving of the post-surreal works. It deals with the recurring theme of shaving without a mirror and the frustration of running out of breakfast cereal. This is probably Karachi's finest piece of work, his notoriety rocketed after this debuted at Edmonton Sundown in support of a well known rock band. Karachi's life was never the same. He quickly decended into a lifestyle of drugs, alcohol and women. He died three years later from a surfeit of sausages. It also represents a period of prolific success. The eel cycle is one of the most popular requests on classic radio stations. Running at an immense sixty-two hours it is also one of the longest pieces of music ever written.

Karachi's Autumn Silence First Movement in E Minor by the Redditch Symphony Orchestra and Horace Policarpo on the Organ:

King Henry IX 1756-1812

King Henry IX was the first hippy king of the modern period. He lasted thirteen hours on the throne before deciding to move to the south of France and live out his remaining days planting trees. Although his reign was short lived he was the most progressive monarch ever and created an incredible three hundred thousand laws. Some of the most interesting are listed for the sake of prosperity in the Life and Times of King Henry IX a Wenton Geneological Study (currently unpublished).

The following is an extract from that study.

1. Mangos are banned except for Royal Weddings and lunar eclipses.
2. Frdplip is to be no longer recognised as a word and all evidence of its existence is to be destroyed.
3. March 15th is now a day of mystery.
4. The institution of a new masochistic past time called jogging is to be forced upon the insane and deranged.
5. August 32nd is banned.
6. Throw all the frogs into the tower and send the orphan spawn to Belgium.
7. Once a year on a Tuesday people shall eat pancakes.
8. Once a year the clocks shall be set back one hour.
9. Once a year the clocks shall be set forward one hour.
10. The number / is banned as it is ridiculous we shall now go from 9 straight to 10.

The Tuesday Syndrome

The Tuesday syndrome is an affliction that only effects reasonable and rational people. It's symptoms are a feeling of hollow horror at the endless repetition of life and normally reveals itself on Tuesday morning. It feels like the sudden realisation that you are running around in circles achieving absolutely nothing other than making some other person extremely wealthy. This is, however, a mask. You are suffering from Tuesday syndrome. Your GP can help. He will prescribe antidepressents which will keep you docile and productive. Schools are adjusting their vocational conditioning chambers to stop our future employees suffering from this problem